Laugh with us: Jokes

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity.Stephen King

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

“Don’t follow your dreams, follow my twitter,#justtothepoint.”

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid. But it sure seems to work.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
A very wise man once said, “it is better to let people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and prove them right.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I want to die like my grandpa, peaceful and in his sleep. - Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.

I am blonde, what is your excuse?
Q: What is a blonde’s favorite color? A: Glitter. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a Ph.D. in Psychology? A: She’ll blow your mind, too.

Likes and opinions are like butts, everyone’s got one and they all stink, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to see it by any stretch of the imagination, Anawim, #justtothepoint.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can’t.

Two fortune tellers meet in the middle of Oxford Street. One says, You’re fine, how am I?

“A guy went to visit a fortune-teller: (POM, POM.) -Who is it?” And the customer thought to himself, -This fortune-teller sucks-, and went away.

Are you superstitious? -No, because it brings you bad luck.

Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the “final solution”, and Hitler stated, “I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown.”
One of his generals was very bewildered and asked him why they were going to kill a clown. Hitler, with a big slimy smile, replied, “See! I told you, no one cares about the Jews!”

Warning: I care a lot about Jews! I love them and we all deserve to live in peace and prosperity. I am just trying to have some fun in this crazy world.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial, Irvin S. Cobb.

Don’t cite Wikipedia in an academic paper or presentation. Cite its sources!

Where did the little girl go during the explosion? -Everywhere!

Kids area

• What is the snake’s favorite subject? -Hiss-story.
• What does a mobile phone say to another phone? -Who knows what the future will brr-ing!
• Why are owls wise? ― I don’t know, I’m not an owl.
• The first restaurant on the moon didn’t do very well. -It had great food but no atmosphere.
• Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something? — Yes, here’s a kite!
• Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar. — Don’t worry, you’ll soon change!
• What does a pen say to a pencil? — So, what’s your point?
• What does a tree do when it is ready to go home? — It leaves.
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• The Computer beat me at chess once, but it was no match for boxing.
• What does a wall say to another wall? Meet me at the corner!
• Knock Knock! -Who’s there? – Who. – Who who? – Are you an owl?
• What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss? -Ouch
• My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.