Laugh with us: Relationships

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it, Winston Churchill

• A husband is late coming home one night and he isn’t answering his phone. His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

  “Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

• Masturbating makes your dick smaller. Don’t believe me? Asians have really fast internet. Africa doesn’t.

• Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

• All women are sex objects. Whenever you ask them for sex, they’ll object.

• Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in India, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
  Father: That happens everywhere, son… everywhere!

• Q: When another man steals your wife, what’s your best revenge?
  A: Let the sorry bastard keep her!

• No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand.
  When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”! However, when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”! And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

• For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

• Wife: Have you put the kids to sleep?
  Husband: Oh, yes, my dear.
  Wife: Have you prepared supper?
  Husband: Yes sweetheart.
  Wife: Have you cleaned and tidied the kitchen?
  Husband: Yes, I have.
  Wife: What is the square root of 2 plus Pi divided by the logarithm of 1/3 to the base 9?
  Husband: I don’t know.
  Wife: Then, we don’t fuck tonight!

• A guy was in a California beach when he stumbled upon a lamp in the sand. He gave it a rub and, sure enough, a genie popped out and told him he would grant him one wish.
  “I would like a highway built from California to Hawaii.”
  The genie said, “No way! That is impossible! The cement involved, the logistics . . . it’s impossible! Think of something else.”
  So the guy thought it some more and then told the genie, “Help me to understand women.”
  The genie replied, “Did you want that highway to be with a median, four-lane or five?”