How to deal/stop being a people-pleasers

In trying to please all, he had pleased none, Aesop.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone, Bill Cosby.

People-pleasers are thosewho are always smiling and want everyone around them to be happy. They are very friendly, polite, and helpful, they will do whatever is asked of them to, and will agree with you about almost everything. They yearn for outside validation.Their personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on receiving the approval of others, so they are worried about being seen as lazy, uncaring, or selfish.

However, since they are overloaded because they cannot do everything, they might arrive late to appointments, take longer to do their work, and do not keep their words. They will make many excuses and try to justify their actions, but the problem remains: they cannot deliver their promises, and consequently, they cannot be trusted!

How to handle them

1. As always, you need to accept them as they are. You are not going to change them.
2. Do not rely heavily on them, especially if the project or tasks are important, long-term, or difficult to accomplish.
3. Whenever you want to know their real opinions, be careful that you get the real thing: “I know you like my idea and support me, but tell me, please, do you see some room for improvement? I want to know what you really think about it, because I highly value your opinion.”
4. If you need to get things done, make sure that they have the human and technical resources, skills, and time to do so, e.g., “Do you have everything you need to start working and get it done? Are you completely sure that you can manage to do it in only a week? Should we assign you a few more days or someone else, just in case?”
5. It is very important to show them affection and sympathy. Assure them that you like them, that you’re having a great time, and you enjoy working with them. However, monitor very closely their work and progress to ensure the job is done correctly, they are delivering you the desired quality and on time, so that they can become a valuable asset, not a liability, to your team.  

How to stop being a people-pleaser

1. Respect yourself, be true to yourself, and learn to say no. When you always say yes, you will end up being overwhelmed, overloaded with work until you become burn out. Besides, you are likely to place unrealistic expectations on your friends, relatives, and team. It may result in a loss of trust in you when you cannot deliver what you have promised.

   It is very hard to make a sudden change, so it is often easier to start small, assert yourself in small ways. Besides, you need to learn to communicate effectively, persuade, reach compromises and find common ground.

2. Know your limits and strengths, establish clear and healthy boundaries, and then communicate those limits assertively. When healthy boundaries are established, you are less likely to feel unhappy, used, or unsatisfied, and build resentment and frustration.
3. Get rid of toxic people, those who complain about everything, that are constantly asking you for things, draining your time and energy, and offer absolutely nothing in return.
4. Practice self-care. Respect and value your time. Be choosy when scheduling appointments, meetings, and events, and accepting new tasks and projects. Delay your response so you can make a more informed and sound decision. Then, you should careful consider if this is something you really want or need to do, and decide for yourself if it is worth your time, effort and the trouble.
5. Prioritize your needs, goals, responsibilities, and wants. Practice empathic assertion. Speak up when you want something or you are feeling hurt or annoyed. Protect your peace, mental health, and energy. Be brave, stand for yourself and what you need or want in a calmly, kind, and yet assertively way.
6. Avoid making excuses. Set your priorities straight, accept and love who you are, take responsibility for your life, actions, and choices. Avoid giving unnecessary or lengthy justifications and reasons for your refusals.
7. Love yourself, build your self-esteem and self-confidence, and learn to be more in control. No matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within and/or God, and is unconditional because you are beautiful, unique, and worth it.
8. Accept the truth. You cannot make everybody happy, you cannot please everyone all the time. Be authentic with who you are, your values and purpose, and what you want.