Active and constructive response

Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals, L. J. Isham.

Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self, Dean Jackson.

Active and constructive responses are not just for romantic relationships, they should also be used in parent-child communication, in the workplace, etc. But, what do we exactly mean by active and constructive responses?

Imagine that he or she tells us a positive outcome or event, for example, he just got a job, her salary has recently risen to £24,000, he/she passed an important exam, etc.

• Active and constructive response. You need to show him/her sincere enthusiasm for the event or success being described by being excited and happy, by showing genuine interest in what is being said. “Wow! That’s great! Fantastic! You deserve it! Tell me more! I’m all ears! Tell me all the details! I’m so proud of you. I know how important this promotion/exam/job was for you. Your effort and sacrifice have borne real fruit! Let’s get out and celebrate.”

  

  An absolutely essential part of effective communication is non-verbal communication. The active and constructive response is not complete without these non-verbal cues: maintain eye contact, appear cheerful and delighted, smile with a sincere smile, laugh of joy, give him/her a kiss or a hug, etc.

• Passive and constructive response. The answer is short and concise, it does not give opportunity to new questions or comments. “Well. That’s good news. That’s nice.”

  

This response is not matched with the essential non-verbal cues being expected or hoped for: joy and happiness are not displayed, rather apathy and lack of interest is clearly manifested. Typically, there is no visual contact or the message is being delivered in a flat demeanor and/or monotone.

• Passive and destructive response. This is by far the most negative and destructive style of listening. It is literally a punch in the gut. It just deflates you like a popped balloon. It is basically completely and uttering ignoring what has just been said.

Some good news, such as “I have passed all my exams!, I got the job!, She accepted the date and apologized for being super busy, etc.” are met with “Shall we go? Shall we eat now? I have been working the whole damn day and I need to chill out for a few hours. What’s on TV tonight?” By changing the subject quickly, you’re showing very blatantly that you don’t care much about what’s being said or even about her/his feelings.

• Active and destructive response. The “listener” is not supportive of his/her partner. On the contrary, s/he is focusing on the negative side, and ignoring the positive aspects: “And that’s the last straw that broke the camel’s back. This promotion will come with more work and responsibility. You will become more stressed and burnt out. In addition, you’ll need to work long hours and you will see our children even less than now. Both of us will work long hours now, who will take care of our kids?”

  

We are not always in a good mood or attitude. We’re often busy, tired, and ― to put it mildly ― not very eager to listen to our partners. This is especially true after a long day at work. However, a healthy relationship requires effective and constant dialogue where both partners listen and provide active and constructive responses to each other.